May 2013
6 posts
5 tags
Pressure
So, I did end up getting accepted at USF (Go Bulls!!) Now that I’m down here, my uncle told me he thinks I should live on campus. In January he said I should live by myself. And last month, he agreed that I should maybe buy a condo. Because of his approval of that, I unfortunately got K’s hopes up of us moving down together. Or him moving down with me. Now that I told him the news that...
7 tags
A letter to K
I know I take you for granted. But these past few days, I’ve felt more love for you and felt more confident in our relationship than I ever have before. And so much trust in you. I didn’t realize how much I need you.
You are my world. My everything. And I didn’t realize how strong you make me. Strong enough where I think I can survive without you. Which I can. But not the same...
Sometimes I wonder if I’m making a mistake not going the Zoology route.
And it makes me wonder if I love traveling or if I love animals more..
6 tags
Transition
I think I’m at the point in my life where I need to learn how to start transitioning in adulthood. With adult responsibilities and stuff. Like, I thought I’ve been taking care of myself for the past ten years, but really, I had no idea. But these are also things that I don’t think my mom would know either.
Now that I’m committed to Tampa, I have to think about well,...
April 2013
2 posts
Acceptance
So I’ve been accepted to University of Tampa. But I’m really hoping I get accepted to USF. And honestly, I don’t think I want to even try going to UT if I don’t get into USF.
But I’m looking for apartments around USF, and now I’m stressed financially. Is it even worth it to go out of state? I’ll be taking out about 21-25 grand a year. And I know...
Why can’t I just be a Bull already?
March 2013
6 posts
HA! Guess I spoke too soon.
Fuck the world.
Just fuck it all.
Suicide
I just watched a music video that dealt with teenage suicides. And I couldn’t help but remember when I had that feeling. When I felt that I couldn’t control anything. And even the things I thought I could control, I still couldn’t.
And I dealt with it for about 6 years. Actually, longer. Maybe about 8 years. From about 8 to 15/16. I always forget that I was depressed even before...
5 tags
University of Tampa & USF
Went to see University of Tampa yesterday.
What can I say about the school? Well, lets go through the pro-con list.
Pros: gorgeous campus, in the middle of the city, financial aid, academics
Cons: in the middle of the city, so safety is a concern, German is not available as a minor, the gym was small, but workable, no real athletics.
It has about 7,000 students, which I think is a great size....
4 tags
Stetson University
So I’m back in florida. So happy.
Went to see Stetson University today. It’s in Deland. Which is great because its about an hour away from home. 30 minutes from the beach. But still literally in the middle of no where.
Tour guide was great. Very charismatic.
Pros: class size, student-faculty ratio, friendly atmosphere, financial aid, study abroad, very nice and clean campus, and my...
2 tags
Who I Am Hates Who I Am
It is so hard being happy everyday. It is so hard putting on smile.
I feel so angry and frustrated inside. Which is sad because I feel I’m less angry than I was in high school.
Given its just one of those days where I want to give up. I want to give up so mad. I just want to lay in bed all day and cry.
Just cry and cry.
It just seems that no matter how much I try, I don’t get...
“Thinking of you, one thinks of what you could have become. You were, and you...”
– Edouard Levé, Suicide, trans. Jan Steyn (via proustitute)
February 2013
6 posts
4 tags
Normalcy
I’ve realized something since I’ve been in college. I’m a lot more normal than I thought I was.
I see the anime type of cliques. And we’ll, they just don’t give a shit, it seems. At least when they’re together. When they’re together, they don’t care who is looking or saying what. And it’s kinda comforting knowing they found solace in a scary...
Race
So, now that I’ve basically decided I’m an IB major, I find myself thinking more about how my American biases may affect my future.
And I become angrier at the way I view people of not my culture or race. That’s not to say I’m racist. Of course not. But everyone has prejudices and biases.
I think it’s just the stereotypes that I hate. That I will assume most people...
The only thing that bothers me is my lack of friends.
I’m not if its me. If I’m too picky. If I’m looking for a person that doesn’t exist.
Or if I’m too aggressive. Or too loud. Or too annoying. Or too happy.
Or if I just missed the boat entirely?
I’ve come to realize I missed the boat on a lot of things in a young girl’s life. Nothing really...
I’m feeling pretty happy. Regardless of my seemingly dying relationship. I think he’s coming to terms these could be our last few months together. But we’re feeling pretty happy together right now. And he’s supporting me in wanting to do international business. And my professor said I should do that as my major too. So that’s really encouraging. Did I mention I want...
I'm leaning towards USF now.... Hmm
2 tags
Sometimes I think about my relationship with my mom. And I think about how much I miss my dad. And I don’t understand how I got to where I am now.
I honestly believe my dad wanted me more than anything. And he did all he can for me. Even though we fought all the time. But we have the same personality. We both want to be right. But that didn’t stop us from loving eachother. And I...
2 tags
I’m so bored. I’m so FUCKING bored.
I just need some purpose in my life. I need something new.
I need purpose. My life needs purpose.
I just want to jump on a plane to Spain.
Yes. Spain.
I don’t know why. Maybe just hitch hike across Europe.
That sounds like a dream.
January 2013
25 posts
4 tags
Post warning! May include sexual content!
The farther I go in my relationship, the more I wonder what I’m missing. And the more I wonder if I could find anyone better.
That’s not to say I don’t love K. He’s great. He’s my partner. He’s my best friend. I just don’t feel passionate. I just feel like this is just a really awesome friendship.
I guess I...
5 tags
5 tags
Does anyone understand how hard it is being a girl? Not even a girl, how about a woman, a female.
It’s so hard for me to figure out if I should like things that are socially acceptable for a girl to like, or if its okay to like the things that I do. But I still find myself playing tug of war with myself if I should indulge in the the things I feel make me, well, me.
“Boy”...
I actually feel pretty happy. I tried something new today. I took a yoga class. Something I never thought that I would do. And I’m really proud of myself. I took barely any breaks. Maybe two.
Worked out for another hour and a half.
I looked in the mirror, and I actually saw change in myself. I feel so much better. Though I physically might not tomorrow. But I’m okay with that.
I...
So to go with my last post, for any of my followers.
Learn to trust. Don’t be scared. Open your mind, open your heart.
Make a friend everyday. Maybe they have an interesting story.
If you want to be friends, lets be friends. I promise I’m not always so pessimistic.
Tell me your name, give me your Facebook, tell me about yourself.
4 tags
Culture
I’ve been thinking a lot about the American culture, or lack there of. Well, as of recent history.
I was talking to a friend about making friends. How she doesn’t like having a lot of friends because a lot of people like to cause “drama”. And it made me think that’s what I culture has fallen to. We have everything at our fingertips. Even for the lower class. If you...
Woke up this morning feeling good. Regardless that today is the first day of school.
But I felt good because I felt sore. I love this feeling of soreness everyday. Because I know my time at the gym is working. Not to mention, it felt so nice to not be so squishy. So losing my squishy-ness and gaining firmness is great. It really is a great feeling.
I think I’m going to start to log what...
5 tags
Since I’ve gotten back into my gym/diet regimen, I think I’ve been doing well. Finally able to eat yogurt without wanting to die. Found a couple favors I like. Lean cuisines. Though I know there not all that healthy. But it doesn’t taste as processed as regular microwave meals. Maybe I’ll learn how to cook. HAHAHAHAAHA. Oh dear, I’m so funny.
Really happy that my...
I was looking at internships. And I’m really excited that there is a Chrysler one an hour away. Also one in Orlando. And a Daimler (Mercedes Benz) 45 minutes away.
Yeah that’s only two companies. But these are because I don’t know if corporate internships are paid or not. And if there is a housing allowance. All that jazz.
But if that is the case, and it is, then I am...
As if I don’t talk about school so much (and still have like 4 more to see), I think USF is worth a second look.
I just hate that it feels like there’s nothing to do in Tampa.
4 tags
4 tags
2013 will be my year
I haven’t seriously enjoyed a year since 2008. I think it’s time for me to take control and stop being a bystander in my life.
I’m going to have a lot of goals this year. If I can accomplish just a few, then I’ll be happy. If I can complete all of them, then I’ll be ecstatic. I know if I can complete at least a few, I know that I at least contain the willpower to change.
-lose fat, gain muscle...
6 tags
Strong Women
I love strong women. I love everything about them. Growing up, I realized I had no strong women to look up to. My grandmother had a tough life immigrating and assimilating, but I can’t relate to that. My aunt had a hard time assimilating. My mom, well, she was never a role model. Hell, she wasn’t much of a mother. As of late, I’ve been noticing more and more women who I can look...
4 tags
University of South Florida
It’s in Tampa, which is a little deceiving.
But I liked the school. Opposite of UCF, I didn’t like it as much as I thought I would. Now that I think about it, it felt small. I had greatttt guides though. Diana and Alex. At least. I think that was her name. Sorry, if you see this.
But the campus was very nice. Wasn’t as city feeling as I thought it was going to be. Which I...
4 tags
UCF - Part Deux
The more I think about UCF, the more I like it. I just can’t get over the fact that it doesn’t feel so huge, even though it has a large student body. And the concentric campus layout, can’t get that out of my mind.
I’m bad at getting lost, so at least I can get lost in circles.
And I really like that the more I go through the UCF tags, the more I see people liking the...
3 tags
University of Central Florida
Went to go to UCF today. Kinda mad I wore pants. Oh well. Gotta love the Florida heat.
Regardless.
I really liked the school. I liked it much better than I thought. I was expecting the campus to be really ugly and overcrowded. With 60,000 students and in the middle of Orlando, I think I was justified. But really surprised me.
There are a lot of programs for students to get involved. 350+...
I honestly should not have to feel guilty about wanting to go away for school. That is so fucking ridiculous. And I can’t believe he’s fighting me against me.
What is wrong with wanting to go out and meeting new people? What is wrong with wanting to try new experiences? With wanting to make something out of my life.
I can’t be this caged up animal like you want me to be. Like...
3 tags
MADE
I’ve made posts in the far past about being MADE. And I know it sounds lame, but I love watching these people transform. And I wonder, can I?
Backstory: my whole life, I’ve been shy and awkward. Annoying and alone. It was always hard to keep a friend longer than a year. I don’t even know how I got K. I still think he’s with me because he doesn’t want to be alone...
Remember that feeling when you first start dating someone? The butterflies in your tummy. The tingle at every touch.
I miss that feeling so much. When it felt like my heart would beat out of my chest.
Not to mention the getting to know eachother’s bodies. Wink wink.
But really. Even the romantic part. Wanting to impress someone with every word. Being coy.
I just miss that feeling....
December 2012
10 posts
Christmas was great. I got what I wanted off my Christmas list. K did a really good job. And his mom did too. Very happy with my gifts.
I wish I could say the same about my own family. And actually, I’m not even mad about how disappointing their gifts were. I’m just mad about the reaction I got when I gave them their gifts.
I’m the type of person to appreciate receiving a...
3 tags
Okay, so the past two days have been a shithole of suckiness. Not going on my road trip. Which sucks balls to the MAXXXX.
But yesterday, I had a two hour pick-me-up.
I met an individual. And they were so friendly and brash and stimulating. I have not had such a great, stimulating conversation on a long time. And it was great. I haven’t smiled and talked so much about anything in such a...
I’m so excited. Not for Christmas, but for January 3rd/4th. I will be leaving for the South to look at transfer colleges.
I will be looking at: Florida State, U. Central Florida, U. South Carolina, Clemson, and U. North Carolina.
I just can’t believe I’m actually looking at schools. I will be going away for school. I can fully be on my own. Especially if I’m in the...
Invitation Only
I don’t understand people sometimes. Well, all the time. But I mostly don’t understand friendship dynamics. Especially the difference between girls and boys. Both genders get upset if they find out their friends went out without them. Especially when you invited them to something else. But it’s the type of hurt that guys feel versus girls that I don’t get. Girls will mostly...
4 tags
Orphan
I’m feeling so orphaned right now. My mom told me they’re buying a house. I don’t even know if I can/should call her my mom anymore. She told me to come by and find what stuff I want to keep and what I don’t. She said she’s going to give it away to my cousins in the Philippines (who don’t need it, btw) or give to the needy. I mean, it’s not really that I...
