Tagged with #university of Tampa #ut #usf #college search #rachaelrnr
Went to see University of Tampa yesterday.
What can I say about the school? Well, lets go through the pro-con list.
Pros: gorgeous campus, in the middle of the city, financial aid, academics
Cons: in the middle of the city, so safety is a concern, German is not available as a minor, the gym was small, but workable, no real athletics.
It has about 7,000 students, which I think is a great size. My issue is if there’s enough clubs and stuff for me to become social. And another issue is that a lot of the girls looked the same. Size 0s with a dark tan. And with girls like that, it takes a toll on your self esteem.
But regardless, I think the school has a lot of resources for me to succeed. As well as the class sizes.
It is definitely my second choice though.
I also walked around USF a bit. Talked to people about it. They love it. Which makes me happy. Wasn’t as congested as it was when I first went, which was nice.
Still making it my number one choice.
Aaaand bought my first college wear from USF. Go Bulls!
Tagged with #stetson university #hats #college search #rachaelrnr
So I’m back in florida. So happy.
Went to see Stetson University today. It’s in Deland. Which is great because its about an hour away from home. 30 minutes from the beach. But still literally in the middle of no where.
Tour guide was great. Very charismatic.
Pros: class size, student-faculty ratio, friendly atmosphere, financial aid, study abroad, very nice and clean campus, and my favorite, PET-FRIENDLY!! Therefore, I can bring Lilypants with me, no worry.
Cons: 2500 students, location, cafeteria, gym, student activities, lack of football, not a smoke-free campus, and tuition
I really liked the place. It’s just, I don’t think that the school offers what I want socially. Especially for the tuition cost. But they give a lot of aid, so it might even out with what the other schools offer.
But I could always go to a gym elsewhere. It’s a number 3 school in the south. So it’s still highly ranked.
I would obviously need to do a lot of research on the school. Get opinions of people on tumblr.
I think the cons are small. My biggest worry is the social aspect, but I can become closer knit with my peers. But I also hate seeing the same faces over and over. I dunno.
I have to see what happens.
Going to see University of Tampa and USF again tomorrow. Then probably spending most of the day in Tampa.
Tagged with #personal #rachaelrnr
It is so hard being happy everyday. It is so hard putting on smile.
I feel so angry and frustrated inside. Which is sad because I feel I’m less angry than I was in high school.
Given its just one of those days where I want to give up. I want to give up so mad. I just want to lay in bed all day and cry.
Just cry and cry.
It just seems that no matter how much I try, I don’t get anywhere. And if I can’t make myself better, how do I make the things I can control better.
I feel so alone lately. Well, always. But lonelier.
I try to have this big personality that would attract friends. Peacocking with my personality.
But truth is that I’m dull and boring. I’m not funny, witty, charismatic, charming, nothing.
Maybe that’s why I don’t have friends. Maybe they can see past my disguise.
Maybe I should just go back to my introvert personality. Just block everyone out.
Things seemed easier then.
I just want to change. I just want the motivation to change who I am.
But I can’t. My self-esteem is too low to think I can change anything about myself.
Because whenever I start moving, I fail.
|Thinking of you, one thinks of what you could have become. You were, and you will remain, made up of possibilities.|
Tagged with #normal #weird #personal #rachaelrnr
I’ve realized something since I’ve been in college. I’m a lot more normal than I thought I was.
I see the anime type of cliques. And we’ll, they just don’t give a shit, it seems. At least when they’re together. When they’re together, they don’t care who is looking or saying what. And it’s kinda comforting knowing they found solace in a scary place with each other. And by scary, I mean college. And I think that’s what I like about community college. There are all types of people who go here.
And me? I’m still trying to find my niche.
In high school, I didn’t find it. I had a few that helped me find out what I liked and what I didn’t in people. From the skaters. Potheads. Preps. Emo. Etc.. Not as though those labels actually exist, but to clarify the different groups of people I hung out with.
There were a few who I found comfort with. But well, in comparison, I guess I’m pretty boring. And I didn’t realize how boring I am until recently. Though I know others will argue. But I do find that I am pretty boring. I don’t have anything particularly interesting about me. And though I plan on changing that in the future, I’m just kind of stuck going in circles right now. So if someone tries to invite me to something, I will do my best to go. Like tonight! A coworker asked me to go to sushi with her. I’ve never had sushi. And to be frank, I don’t like the idea of eating raw fish. But I’m going, and I’ll figure it out. Even though money is still tight.
Regardless. I find myself trying to figure out if I’m “normal” or not. And not as if its a big deal either way. But it seems if I’m less normal that most people here, I get alienated for a comment on something they may not know about. Or if I hang with less normal people, and I’m the more normal one, well, I’ll be alienated because I won’t understand what they are talking about.
Not as though anyone is normal. Everyone is weird behind closed doors. Because once the doors close and no one is looking, you do whatever you want without the fear of being judged.
I just wish I had the confidence on both sides. Though my confidence is better than before, I still feel 150%. And I know how to fix it.
It’s just too hard to wake up so early.
…..exercise. I was talking about going to the gym early in the morning.
So, now that I’ve basically decided I’m an IB major, I find myself thinking more about how my American biases may affect my future.
And I become angrier at the way I view people of not my culture or race. That’s not to say I’m racist. Of course not. But everyone has prejudices and biases.
I think it’s just the stereotypes that I hate. That I will assume most people will have characteristics of their cultural stereotype. And I am sooo annoyed by this. I am so annoyed by my ignorance.
That will be another goal of mine this year. Stop thinking about stereotypes, and start looking at the person. This holds true for all races and stereotypes.
This week, I found myself screaming over “Asian” drivers. Being pissed off by two in one night. But there is nothing about being Asian that makes someone a bad driver. There are all types of bad drivers. And I needed to force myself into remembering it has nothing to do with them being Asian. They’re just really fucking bad drivers.
I’m asking more about people’s cultures. About what it’s like for certain holidays or other celebrations.
I’m going to stop calling people by colors or races. But maybe my humor might be too dark to not laugh at racist jokes. But really, I’m trying to avoid them.
The only thing that bothers me is my lack of friends.
I’m not if its me. If I’m too picky. If I’m looking for a person that doesn’t exist.
Or if I’m too aggressive. Or too loud. Or too annoying. Or too happy.
Or if I just missed the boat entirely?
I’ve come to realize I missed the boat on a lot of things in a young girl’s life. Nothing really important. But the “label”. The certain fashions. The make-up experiment phase. Just stupid little phases.
But maybe those are the things that brought girls together to make friends with one another.
Will I ever find another girl like me? I just want another well-rounded personality. Into fitness. Or at least keeping me motivated. Who wants to go to a club once in a while. Or getting down and dirty.
Idk. She doesn’t need to be perfect. I just want someone outgoing. Who doesn’t mind trying new things.
I feel as if I have a bigger issue with finding female friends over finding a boyfriend.
I’m feeling pretty happy. Regardless of my seemingly dying relationship. I think he’s coming to terms these could be our last few months together. But we’re feeling pretty happy together right now. And he’s supporting me in wanting to do international business. And my professor said I should do that as my major too. So that’s really encouraging. Did I mention I want to learn German?
I’m just feeling pretty great. And since that one tug of war post, I’m feeling happier about myself. I indulge in both of my feminine and masculine characteristics. And even though “rock and roll” isn’t actually masculine, but it gets that reaction. But I’m listening to my classic rock more often again.
Even though I haven’t been to the gym since Friday, and its catching up with me. I still feel okay. K has requested off for spring break so we can go to florida. Maybe see U. South Carolina on our way back up. Hopefully.
And maybe I can get to a size 8 before we leave. Which is about 5 pounds smaller.
I feel good.
Tagged with #personal #family issues
Sometimes I think about my relationship with my mom. And I think about how much I miss my dad. And I don’t understand how I got to where I am now.
I honestly believe my dad wanted me more than anything. And he did all he can for me. Even though we fought all the time. But we have the same personality. We both want to be right. But that didn’t stop us from loving eachother. And I realize that now. Not knowing that when he was alive. He just didn’t want me to end up like him.
But my mom. I don’t know. I thought I used to. But the past few years made me think differently, and I think I’ve figured it out.
I don’t believe she was ready to be a mother. She was 23 when she had me. Has been living in this country for a couple years only. My dad was 32. He was ready to have a child. And when they got pregnant with me, I think my mom ended up being trapt. Not like she was being held hostage, but by love. My mom is one of those people who falls in love with anyone who gives her the time of day. So she stayed. She had to. Especially with me.
So, she did what she could for the next ten years. She was my best friend. And I always loved her more than my dad. But that’s because I didn’t understand.
After he died though, I was abandoned. She wasn’t ready for a life of the single parent. And yes, I was pretty independent at the time, it doesn’t excuse her for leaving. Not physically. She left emotionally. She didn’t step up to the plate like she should’ve.
I guess I’m being a little unfair. But she wasn’t the parent I needed her to be. Yes, I let her slide. I told her I could handle myself. She took it as, “okay. I don’t need to try anymore.”
So she did the bare minimum she could’ve to keep us afloat. Let me live the life I was expecting. She should’ve explained to me that she couldn’t do it anymore. But no. She said no to the other things that mattered to me. Like joining clubs to make friends. Or trying to build my self-esteem. I came home crying every single day. And went to bed crying. How do you not step up as a parent? And sending them to a shrink is not the solution. Even then. The shrinks blamed me for being upset with her. Not her actions and decisions. Not her decisions that affected me. I was supposed to accept that she ripped me away from my friends? From the place I grew up? From the house that my dad made a home? And accept that she moved on three months later after my dad died?
No. But I did. And I regret it.
Honestly, I don’t think she loved me as much as she could. I think she loved me as much as she can. As much as she can without hurting herself.
And now that I’m older, I’m realizing this. And it makes me resent her more and more.
The worst part? Now that I’m gone, she’s even more miserable than before. And I feel bad for leaving her. But she’s so codependent, I can’t handle it anymore. And I can’t wait to really be on my own, without her in my life.
She made her bed, now she must lay in it. And in the process, she lost the only thing that could’ve helped her.