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So I’ve been accepted to University of Tampa. But I’m really hoping I get accepted to USF. And honestly, I don’t think I want to even try going to UT if I don’t get into USF.
But I’m looking for apartments around USF, and now I’m stressed financially. Is it even worth it to go out of state? I’ll be taking out about 21-25 grand a year. And I know that’s how much some people take out for four years. It’s just a little frustrating. Especially since my aunt and uncle agreed to co-sign my loan, I don’t know if I’m okay putting that debt on them. Of course I plan on paying it. But I don’t know if its fair to them. Especially since they’ve been in and out of the hospital lately.

Also, I don’t know if I can take care of myself like that. Food, laundry, furniture. Adult things. How the hell do you do adult things? Is there a class for that?
I’m scared of doing adult things for myself.
But for some reason, that might be the least of my problems.

Posted 1 year ago
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Why can’t I just be a Bull already?

Posted 1 year ago
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Fuck the world.
Just fuck it all.

Posted 1 year ago
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I just watched a music video that dealt with teenage suicides. And I couldn’t help but remember when I had that feeling. When I felt that I couldn’t control anything. And even the things I thought I could control, I still couldn’t.
And I dealt with it for about 6 years. Actually, longer. Maybe about 8 years. From about 8 to 15/16. I always forget that I was depressed even before my dad died.

I don’t understand how I got past it. Why I don’t feel that way anymore. Maybe once in a blue moon because of my incredible self hatred. But, not for the reasons that I had before. I don’t understand how I got over it, but people still continue to feel that way. And I’m such a wimp that I don’t acknowledge it.
I don’t get it. And it’s frustrating.

I remember in middle school, I would try not to eat a lot. Try to force myself into an eating disorder. And a few times I’m high school. Or when I was in elementary, I was going to slit my wrists. But I couldn’t do it. None of it. I was too scared. I didn’t have the control to not eat. But shit, I was hungry. But I guess that’s why I’m fat, right? Haha.

But I’m still dealing with those same issues that I grew up with. Self-image, paranoia, depression, etc.. But why don’t I feel those suicidal tendencies as before. I find it annoying. I kind of miss my heart hurting. It seems to be the only time I felt I was alive. I don’t feel anything anymore. I mean I’m happy. But I don’t feel my heart beating. I just want to feel my heart. Shit. Even those nervous breakdowns are welcome. I’m not saying I want it everyday like before.
But it was a feeling I was so used to, it seems foreign not to have it. I’ve had those feelings every day for eight years. Even during holidays and birthdays. Which are when you’re supposed to feel happy, right? Apparently not.

I think it’s because I came to terms with my issues. And I know I can fix them. But sometimes I don’t know how. I don’t have the motivation or drive to do it. To change.
Ah well, I guess.

Posted 1 year ago
Tagged with #university of Tampa #ut #usf #college search #rachaelrnr
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Went to see University of Tampa yesterday.
What can I say about the school? Well, lets go through the pro-con list.
Pros: gorgeous campus, in the middle of the city, financial aid, academics
Cons: in the middle of the city, so safety is a concern, German is not available as a minor, the gym was small, but workable, no real athletics.
It has about 7,000 students, which I think is a great size. My issue is if there’s enough clubs and stuff for me to become social. And another issue is that a lot of the girls looked the same. Size 0s with a dark tan. And with girls like that, it takes a toll on your self esteem.
But regardless, I think the school has a lot of resources for me to succeed. As well as the class sizes.
It is definitely my second choice though.

I also walked around USF a bit. Talked to people about it. They love it. Which makes me happy. Wasn’t as congested as it was when I first went, which was nice.
Still making it my number one choice.
Aaaand bought my first college wear from USF. Go Bulls!

Posted 1 year ago
Tagged with #stetson university #hats #college search #rachaelrnr
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So I’m back in florida. So happy.
Went to see Stetson University today. It’s in Deland. Which is great because its about an hour away from home. 30 minutes from the beach. But still literally in the middle of no where.
Tour guide was great. Very charismatic.
Pros: class size, student-faculty ratio, friendly atmosphere, financial aid, study abroad, very nice and clean campus, and my favorite, PET-FRIENDLY!! Therefore, I can bring Lilypants with me, no worry.
Cons: 2500 students, location, cafeteria, gym, student activities, lack of football, not a smoke-free campus, and tuition

I really liked the place. It’s just, I don’t think that the school offers what I want socially. Especially for the tuition cost. But they give a lot of aid, so it might even out with what the other schools offer.
But I could always go to a gym elsewhere. It’s a number 3 school in the south. So it’s still highly ranked.
I would obviously need to do a lot of research on the school. Get opinions of people on tumblr.

I think the cons are small. My biggest worry is the social aspect, but I can become closer knit with my peers. But I also hate seeing the same faces over and over. I dunno.
I have to see what happens.

Going to see University of Tampa and USF again tomorrow. Then probably spending most of the day in Tampa.

Posted 1 year ago
Tagged with #personal #rachaelrnr
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It is so hard being happy everyday. It is so hard putting on smile.
I feel so angry and frustrated inside. Which is sad because I feel I’m less angry than I was in high school.
Given its just one of those days where I want to give up. I want to give up so mad. I just want to lay in bed all day and cry.
Just cry and cry.
It just seems that no matter how much I try, I don’t get anywhere. And if I can’t make myself better, how do I make the things I can control better.

I feel so alone lately. Well, always. But lonelier.
I try to have this big personality that would attract friends. Peacocking with my personality.
But truth is that I’m dull and boring. I’m not funny, witty, charismatic, charming, nothing.
Maybe that’s why I don’t have friends. Maybe they can see past my disguise.
Maybe I should just go back to my introvert personality. Just block everyone out.
Things seemed easier then.

I just want to change. I just want the motivation to change who I am.
But I can’t. My self-esteem is too low to think I can change anything about myself.
Because whenever I start moving, I fail.

Posted 1 year ago
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Thinking of you, one thinks of what you could have become. You were, and you will remain, made up of possibilities.

-- Edouard Levé, Suicide, trans. Jan Steyn (via proustitute)

Posted 1 year ago
Tagged with #normal #weird #personal #rachaelrnr
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I’ve realized something since I’ve been in college. I’m a lot more normal than I thought I was.
I see the anime type of cliques. And we’ll, they just don’t give a shit, it seems. At least when they’re together. When they’re together, they don’t care who is looking or saying what. And it’s kinda comforting knowing they found solace in a scary place with each other. And by scary, I mean college. And I think that’s what I like about community college. There are all types of people who go here.
And me? I’m still trying to find my niche.
In high school, I didn’t find it. I had a few that helped me find out what I liked and what I didn’t in people. From the skaters. Potheads. Preps. Emo. Etc.. Not as though those labels actually exist, but to clarify the different groups of people I hung out with.
There were a few who I found comfort with. But well, in comparison, I guess I’m pretty boring. And I didn’t realize how boring I am until recently. Though I know others will argue. But I do find that I am pretty boring. I don’t have anything particularly interesting about me. And though I plan on changing that in the future, I’m just kind of stuck going in circles right now. So if someone tries to invite me to something, I will do my best to go. Like tonight! A coworker asked me to go to sushi with her. I’ve never had sushi. And to be frank, I don’t like the idea of eating raw fish. But I’m going, and I’ll figure it out. Even though money is still tight.
Regardless. I find myself trying to figure out if I’m “normal” or not. And not as if its a big deal either way. But it seems if I’m less normal that most people here, I get alienated for a comment on something they may not know about. Or if I hang with less normal people, and I’m the more normal one, well, I’ll be alienated because I won’t understand what they are talking about.

Not as though anyone is normal. Everyone is weird behind closed doors. Because once the doors close and no one is looking, you do whatever you want without the fear of being judged.

I just wish I had the confidence on both sides. Though my confidence is better than before, I still feel 150%. And I know how to fix it.
It’s just too hard to wake up so early.
…..exercise. I was talking about going to the gym early in the morning.

Posted 1 year ago
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So, now that I’ve basically decided I’m an IB major, I find myself thinking more about how my American biases may affect my future.
And I become angrier at the way I view people of not my culture or race. That’s not to say I’m racist. Of course not. But everyone has prejudices and biases.
I think it’s just the stereotypes that I hate. That I will assume most people will have characteristics of their cultural stereotype. And I am sooo annoyed by this. I am so annoyed by my ignorance.
That will be another goal of mine this year. Stop thinking about stereotypes, and start looking at the person. This holds true for all races and stereotypes.

This week, I found myself screaming over “Asian” drivers. Being pissed off by two in one night. But there is nothing about being Asian that makes someone a bad driver. There are all types of bad drivers. And I needed to force myself into remembering it has nothing to do with them being Asian. They’re just really fucking bad drivers.

I’m asking more about people’s cultures. About what it’s like for certain holidays or other celebrations.
I’m going to stop calling people by colors or races. But maybe my humor might be too dark to not laugh at racist jokes. But really, I’m trying to avoid them.