I’m so bored. I’m so FUCKING bored.
I just need some purpose in my life. I need something new.
I need purpose. My life needs purpose.

I just want to jump on a plane to Spain.
Yes. Spain.

I don’t know why. Maybe just hitch hike across Europe.

That sounds like a dream.

Post warning! May include sexual content!

The farther I go in my relationship, the more I wonder what I’m missing. And the more I wonder if I could find anyone better.
That’s not to say I don’t love K. He’s great. He’s my partner. He’s my best friend. I just don’t feel passionate. I just feel like this is just a really awesome friendship.
I guess I just don’t feel like I’m “in love” anymore. I’m not hungry for him anymore. And I don’t think I have been for a while. On the other hand, I go through these periods where I’m feeling “eh” about the relationship.
Not to mention, our sex life was never spectacular. It has never, to the best of my memory, made me hungry for more and more. Where I didn’t want to leave. Where I didn’t want to get up and just lay in bed together for a weekend.
And the more I say that our sex life doesn’t matter, the more I feel like I’m lying. Because yes! Sex life is extremely important. You should be able to connect with your partner mentally, emotionally, and physically.
And I don’t think we connect on any level.
He’s not as smart or driven or curious as me. That sounds terrible. But a lot of the time, he feels like dead weight. I shouldn’t need to be the one pushing and pulling for him to do something.
I guess emotionally we connect. He gets where I’m coming from in a lot of situations. And he’s great to cuddle with.
And as I said, we physically don’t connect.

I just need some feeling in my heart again. I need to fall in love. Or get my heart broken. Some sort of feeling.
I want to meet someone and have them sweep me off my feet. I want someone I can fight for. Fight with. Fight together.

I feel so terrible feeling this. And I feel so selfish for not breaking up with him. But even if I did, I can’t tell if I’d be okay with it or with I’ll feel like I’ve made a terrible mistake.
I love him. But I don’t know how I feel anymore.

Getting the Led out as I study Microecon

Does anyone understand how hard it is being a girl? Not even a girl, how about a woman, a female.
It’s so hard for me to figure out if I should like things that are socially acceptable for a girl to like, or if its okay to like the things that I do. But I still find myself playing tug of war with myself if I should indulge in the the things I feel make me, well, me.

“Boy” things I like: cars, CARS, football, fighting, pants, sweats, video games, bodybuilding (loosely), being aggressive, cursing, outspoken, ballsy, etc.
“Girl” things I like: dresses, make-up, teddy bears (I’ve been sleeping with the same stuffed bunny for 14, going on 15 years), shopping, romantic comedies, hello kitty, pink stuff, nail polish, etc.

I know some of those traits don’t specifically fit into Man or Woman traits. But women aren’t supposed to be ballsy and outspoken or curse a lot. Being headstrong.
But it seems that those traits that I like the best of myself will prevent me from making connections with other females. And I wonder if I need to conform to a more feminine version in order to make friends with other females. Because other females like me don’t really like having other female friends.
And as I go on, I find myself loving more of my “masculine” traits. I love cars. That’s something I can’t help. And the thought of working with them in the future makes me giddy. I just bought $1200 for UFC tickets in April. And imagining how much blood will be poured and all the screaming ill be doing is exciting. I’m loving football more and more as the post season goes on. Hell, I predicted the Ravens would go to the Superbowl.

It’s just frustrating living in a society that forces people to choose between feminine and masculine hobbies. And if you like something that isn’t the norm, you’re a pariah. But shit. I’ve been a pariah this long, why stop now?
Why stop loving the things I love, and still be “girly”? Why can’t I play a football game in a dress? Well, because the stains will set, and I’ll be forced to throw my dress away.

But what I’m getting at, we need to fix this. Fix living a society that lives by gender roles.
And I’m going to prove myself every single day that you don’t need to be a certain gender to excel in something.

I actually feel pretty happy. I tried something new today. I took a yoga class. Something I never thought that I would do. And I’m really proud of myself. I took barely any breaks. Maybe two.
Worked out for another hour and a half.

I looked in the mirror, and I actually saw change in myself. I feel so much better. Though I physically might not tomorrow. But I’m okay with that.
I think I’m finding motivation. And with every rep, I feel better and better.

And actually, I think I’m pretty happy with school. My professors seem cool enough for me to handle it.

I think I’ll be okay. Think I’m gonna start another art project soon. Well, I guess craft project. I’m not very artsy. I’m not very good at it. But, I feel so free and caged in at the same time.

But that’s a story for another post.

So to go with my last post, for any of my followers.
Learn to trust. Don’t be scared. Open your mind, open your heart.
Make a friend everyday. Maybe they have an interesting story.

If you want to be friends, lets be friends. I promise I’m not always so pessimistic.
Tell me your name, give me your Facebook, tell me about yourself.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the American culture, or lack there of. Well, as of recent history.
I was talking to a friend about making friends. How she doesn’t like having a lot of friends because a lot of people like to cause “drama”. And it made me think that’s what I culture has fallen to. We have everything at our fingertips. Even for the lower class. If you work for it, you can have it. Which causes us to become greedy. But still, knowing we can get virtually anything we want, we become bored. Especially for middle and upper-classes. Therefore, we start “drama” because we don’t know how to communicate with anyone anymore because most of us, if not all, think everyone has ulterior motives. We become mean, rude, apathetic, and greedy.
I’m not saying this is true for everyone. Of course not everyone is like that. Or is completely true to what I said. This is just how I feel about what this culture has fallen into. And the sad part is, a lot of people are guilty of a few things I’ve said. Including myself.
But I think a big trait of our culture is being scared. We are constantly scared of what will happen. What happens of I trust this person? What happens if I open my heart? Even our government and media makes us scared of the rest of the world. We’re in constant fear of terrorists, global takeover, economic takeover, etc.. So I think that’s why a lot of people guard themselves. They trust no one but their inner circle.

I think that’s a big reason why I like the south and want to work internationally. I get that the south has its problems with narrow minded-ness in some parts. But in a community, people are very welcoming and loving. It’s not like that up north. “I don’t know you? Fuck you.” And as I said its not true for everyone, but that’s just want I see a lot of the time.
Other cultures are so welcoming, regardless of who you are. Well, the apathy isn’t spreading as fast as it is in the US. I want to know I can go to my neighbor’s house and not have to worry about getting killed. Or that I can trust my babysitter to not molest my children.
We’re too scared in the US. We don’t know how to communicate anymore. We are greedy, apathetic, selfish, and scared.

And I find it heartbreaking beyond belief.

Woke up this morning feeling good. Regardless that today is the first day of school.
But I felt good because I felt sore. I love this feeling of soreness everyday. Because I know my time at the gym is working. Not to mention, it felt so nice to not be so squishy. So losing my squishy-ness and gaining firmness is great. It really is a great feeling.
I think I’m going to start to log what workouts to do. I always feel kinda lost when I’m at the gym. Lol. But I think a list will keep my on track.

hiero-glyph:

be ready to take the fall… more than once, before you make it.