Posted 1 year ago
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The only thing that bothers me is my lack of friends.
I’m not if its me. If I’m too picky. If I’m looking for a person that doesn’t exist.
Or if I’m too aggressive. Or too loud. Or too annoying. Or too happy.
Or if I just missed the boat entirely?

I’ve come to realize I missed the boat on a lot of things in a young girl’s life. Nothing really important. But the “label”. The certain fashions. The make-up experiment phase. Just stupid little phases.
But maybe those are the things that brought girls together to make friends with one another.

Will I ever find another girl like me? I just want another well-rounded personality. Into fitness. Or at least keeping me motivated. Who wants to go to a club once in a while. Or getting down and dirty.
Idk. She doesn’t need to be perfect. I just want someone outgoing. Who doesn’t mind trying new things.

I feel as if I have a bigger issue with finding female friends over finding a boyfriend.

Posted 1 year ago
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I’m feeling pretty happy. Regardless of my seemingly dying relationship. I think he’s coming to terms these could be our last few months together. But we’re feeling pretty happy together right now. And he’s supporting me in wanting to do international business. And my professor said I should do that as my major too. So that’s really encouraging. Did I mention I want to learn German?

I’m just feeling pretty great. And since that one tug of war post, I’m feeling happier about myself. I indulge in both of my feminine and masculine characteristics. And even though “rock and roll” isn’t actually masculine, but it gets that reaction. But I’m listening to my classic rock more often again.

Even though I haven’t been to the gym since Friday, and its catching up with me. I still feel okay. K has requested off for spring break so we can go to florida. Maybe see U. South Carolina on our way back up. Hopefully.
And maybe I can get to a size 8 before we leave. Which is about 5 pounds smaller.

I feel good.

Posted 1 year ago
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Posted 1 year ago
Tagged with #personal #family issues
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Sometimes I think about my relationship with my mom. And I think about how much I miss my dad. And I don’t understand how I got to where I am now.

I honestly believe my dad wanted me more than anything. And he did all he can for me. Even though we fought all the time. But we have the same personality. We both want to be right. But that didn’t stop us from loving eachother. And I realize that now. Not knowing that when he was alive. He just didn’t want me to end up like him.
But my mom. I don’t know. I thought I used to. But the past few years made me think differently, and I think I’ve figured it out.

I don’t believe she was ready to be a mother. She was 23 when she had me. Has been living in this country for a couple years only. My dad was 32. He was ready to have a child. And when they got pregnant with me, I think my mom ended up being trapt. Not like she was being held hostage, but by love. My mom is one of those people who falls in love with anyone who gives her the time of day. So she stayed. She had to. Especially with me.
So, she did what she could for the next ten years. She was my best friend. And I always loved her more than my dad. But that’s because I didn’t understand.
After he died though, I was abandoned. She wasn’t ready for a life of the single parent. And yes, I was pretty independent at the time, it doesn’t excuse her for leaving. Not physically. She left emotionally. She didn’t step up to the plate like she should’ve.
I guess I’m being a little unfair. But she wasn’t the parent I needed her to be. Yes, I let her slide. I told her I could handle myself. She took it as, “okay. I don’t need to try anymore.”
So she did the bare minimum she could’ve to keep us afloat. Let me live the life I was expecting. She should’ve explained to me that she couldn’t do it anymore. But no. She said no to the other things that mattered to me. Like joining clubs to make friends. Or trying to build my self-esteem. I came home crying every single day. And went to bed crying. How do you not step up as a parent? And sending them to a shrink is not the solution. Even then. The shrinks blamed me for being upset with her. Not her actions and decisions. Not her decisions that affected me. I was supposed to accept that she ripped me away from my friends? From the place I grew up? From the house that my dad made a home? And accept that she moved on three months later after my dad died?
No. But I did. And I regret it.

Honestly, I don’t think she loved me as much as she could. I think she loved me as much as she can. As much as she can without hurting herself.
And now that I’m older, I’m realizing this. And it makes me resent her more and more.
The worst part? Now that I’m gone, she’s even more miserable than before. And I feel bad for leaving her. But she’s so codependent, I can’t handle it anymore. And I can’t wait to really be on my own, without her in my life.

She made her bed, now she must lay in it. And in the process, she lost the only thing that could’ve helped her.

Posted 1 year ago
Tagged with #bored #wanderlust
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I’m so bored. I’m so FUCKING bored.
I just need some purpose in my life. I need something new.
I need purpose. My life needs purpose.

I just want to jump on a plane to Spain.
Yes. Spain.

I don’t know why. Maybe just hitch hike across Europe.

That sounds like a dream.

Posted 1 year ago
Tagged with #rant #love #relationships #personal
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Post warning! May include sexual content!

The farther I go in my relationship, the more I wonder what I’m missing. And the more I wonder if I could find anyone better.
That’s not to say I don’t love K. He’s great. He’s my partner. He’s my best friend. I just don’t feel passionate. I just feel like this is just a really awesome friendship.
I guess I just don’t feel like I’m “in love” anymore. I’m not hungry for him anymore. And I don’t think I have been for a while. On the other hand, I go through these periods where I’m feeling “eh” about the relationship.
Not to mention, our sex life was never spectacular. It has never, to the best of my memory, made me hungry for more and more. Where I didn’t want to leave. Where I didn’t want to get up and just lay in bed together for a weekend.
And the more I say that our sex life doesn’t matter, the more I feel like I’m lying. Because yes! Sex life is extremely important. You should be able to connect with your partner mentally, emotionally, and physically.
And I don’t think we connect on any level.
He’s not as smart or driven or curious as me. That sounds terrible. But a lot of the time, he feels like dead weight. I shouldn’t need to be the one pushing and pulling for him to do something.
I guess emotionally we connect. He gets where I’m coming from in a lot of situations. And he’s great to cuddle with.
And as I said, we physically don’t connect.

I just need some feeling in my heart again. I need to fall in love. Or get my heart broken. Some sort of feeling.
I want to meet someone and have them sweep me off my feet. I want someone I can fight for. Fight with. Fight together.

I feel so terrible feeling this. And I feel so selfish for not breaking up with him. But even if I did, I can’t tell if I’d be okay with it or with I’ll feel like I’ve made a terrible mistake.
I love him. But I don’t know how I feel anymore.

Posted 1 year ago
Tagged with #led zeppelin #getting the led out #microeconomics sucks #so many balls #selfie
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Getting the Led out as I study Microecon

Posted 1 year ago
Tagged with #frustation #gender #gender roles #masculine #feminine
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Does anyone understand how hard it is being a girl? Not even a girl, how about a woman, a female.
It’s so hard for me to figure out if I should like things that are socially acceptable for a girl to like, or if its okay to like the things that I do. But I still find myself playing tug of war with myself if I should indulge in the the things I feel make me, well, me.

"Boy" things I like: cars, CARS, football, fighting, pants, sweats, video games, bodybuilding (loosely), being aggressive, cursing, outspoken, ballsy, etc.
“Girl” things I like: dresses, make-up, teddy bears (I’ve been sleeping with the same stuffed bunny for 14, going on 15 years), shopping, romantic comedies, hello kitty, pink stuff, nail polish, etc.

I know some of those traits don’t specifically fit into Man or Woman traits. But women aren’t supposed to be ballsy and outspoken or curse a lot. Being headstrong.
But it seems that those traits that I like the best of myself will prevent me from making connections with other females. And I wonder if I need to conform to a more feminine version in order to make friends with other females. Because other females like me don’t really like having other female friends.
And as I go on, I find myself loving more of my “masculine” traits. I love cars. That’s something I can’t help. And the thought of working with them in the future makes me giddy. I just bought $1200 for UFC tickets in April. And imagining how much blood will be poured and all the screaming ill be doing is exciting. I’m loving football more and more as the post season goes on. Hell, I predicted the Ravens would go to the Superbowl.

It’s just frustrating living in a society that forces people to choose between feminine and masculine hobbies. And if you like something that isn’t the norm, you’re a pariah. But shit. I’ve been a pariah this long, why stop now?
Why stop loving the things I love, and still be “girly”? Why can’t I play a football game in a dress? Well, because the stains will set, and I’ll be forced to throw my dress away.

But what I’m getting at, we need to fix this. Fix living a society that lives by gender roles.
And I’m going to prove myself every single day that you don’t need to be a certain gender to excel in something.

Posted 1 year ago
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I actually feel pretty happy. I tried something new today. I took a yoga class. Something I never thought that I would do. And I’m really proud of myself. I took barely any breaks. Maybe two.
Worked out for another hour and a half.

I looked in the mirror, and I actually saw change in myself. I feel so much better. Though I physically might not tomorrow. But I’m okay with that.
I think I’m finding motivation. And with every rep, I feel better and better.

And actually, I think I’m pretty happy with school. My professors seem cool enough for me to handle it.

I think I’ll be okay. Think I’m gonna start another art project soon. Well, I guess craft project. I’m not very artsy. I’m not very good at it. But, I feel so free and caged in at the same time.

But that’s a story for another post.

Posted 1 year ago
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So to go with my last post, for any of my followers.
Learn to trust. Don’t be scared. Open your mind, open your heart.
Make a friend everyday. Maybe they have an interesting story.

If you want to be friends, lets be friends. I promise I’m not always so pessimistic.
Tell me your name, give me your Facebook, tell me about yourself.