Post warning! May include sexual content!
The farther I go in my relationship, the more I wonder what I’m missing. And the more I wonder if I could find anyone better.
That’s not to say I don’t love K. He’s great. He’s my partner. He’s my best friend. I just don’t feel passionate. I just feel like this is just a really awesome friendship.
I guess I just don’t feel like I’m “in love” anymore. I’m not hungry for him anymore. And I don’t think I have been for a while. On the other hand, I go through these periods where I’m feeling “eh” about the relationship.
Not to mention, our sex life was never spectacular. It has never, to the best of my memory, made me hungry for more and more. Where I didn’t want to leave. Where I didn’t want to get up and just lay in bed together for a weekend.
And the more I say that our sex life doesn’t matter, the more I feel like I’m lying. Because yes! Sex life is extremely important. You should be able to connect with your partner mentally, emotionally, and physically.
And I don’t think we connect on any level.
He’s not as smart or driven or curious as me. That sounds terrible. But a lot of the time, he feels like dead weight. I shouldn’t need to be the one pushing and pulling for him to do something.
I guess emotionally we connect. He gets where I’m coming from in a lot of situations. And he’s great to cuddle with.
And as I said, we physically don’t connect.
I just need some feeling in my heart again. I need to fall in love. Or get my heart broken. Some sort of feeling.
I want to meet someone and have them sweep me off my feet. I want someone I can fight for. Fight with. Fight together.
I feel so terrible feeling this. And I feel so selfish for not breaking up with him. But even if I did, I can’t tell if I’d be okay with it or with I’ll feel like I’ve made a terrible mistake.
I love him. But I don’t know how I feel anymore.