Rachael, Growing Up

Pressure

Sat, 18 May 2013 11:29:53 -0400

So, I did end up getting accepted at USF (Go Bulls!!)
Now that I’m down here, my uncle told me he thinks I should live on campus. In January he said I should live by myself. And last month, he agreed that I should maybe buy a condo.
Because of his approval of that, I unfortunately got K’s hopes up of us moving down together. Or him moving down with me. Now that I told him the news that I’m looking on campus or near campus places, he’s crushed.

How do I choose between him and my uncle?

When I’m not with K. I see him as just my boyfriend. Someone who can easily be replaced or can live without. But when I am with him, he’s my entire world and more. That’s not to say I don’t miss him now. But we’re fighting right now, so I don’t. But when we’re not fighting, I miss him.

I understand that my uncle wants what’s best for me. Especially since he’ll be helping me out, A LOT. Basically what a parent should be doing. And it’s not fair to try to argue with him when he’s retired, but still making a sacrifice for me.

If I had it my way, I’d have K find his own place down here while I dormed.
But then he argues with me that he can’t afford it. Which I don’t think makes sense. He said before that he was going to work enough to pay the mortgage and stuff so I don’t have to work. If I lived on campus, I wouldn’t need to work. He argues that renting an apartment is too expensive and he wouldn’t be able to afford it. A mortgage is about the same, if not more. And it has more issues with utilities and other responsibilities.
How can he say he’ll work so he can pay all of that, and then say he won’t be able to afford rent. Please tell me it doesn’t make sense.

But really, what it comes down to is, what do I want?
Do I want to live with my boyfriend and cats and start a life together? Or do I want to live on campus and make my aunt and uncle happy?

Do I feel like K is dead weight, like they think? Do I feel like he’s not good enough? I think he’s amazing. But my trouble is that he doesn’t know what he wants. And I basically have my life planned out for the next 8 years. I don’t want to build my life based on him. What if I do end up having to carry him the whole way? I don’t want to do that. I want to live for me. And I want him to live for him. Make his own decisions without me.

I don’t think anyone understands the predicament I’m stuck in right now.
Who do I make happy?
It seems like I’m not even a factor in this.

sassytesseract: amavissem: ridge: lusteens: p0kemina: I’m...

Tue, 14 May 2013 08:55:59 -0400

sassytesseract:

amavissem:

ridge:

lusteens:

p0kemina:

I’m having an asthma attack omg this is perfect

one of the few things on tumblr I genuinely find hilarious

trying to laugh silently when people are sleeping DID.NOT.WORK.

JUST WATCH IT. WHATEVER YOU DO YOU HAVE TO WATCH IT

but he’s actually a talented guy why is no one mentioning how gr9 he sounds rly

fakesnakes: stoner-pizza: o m g Perfect absolutely perfect

Tue, 14 May 2013 08:47:01 -0400

fakesnakes:

stoner-pizza:

o

m

g

Perfect absolutely perfect

A letter to K

Mon, 13 May 2013 23:11:08 -0400

I know I take you for granted. But these past few days, I’ve felt more love for you and felt more confident in our relationship than I ever have before. And so much trust in you. I didn’t realize how much I need you.
You are my world. My everything. And I didn’t realize how strong you make me. Strong enough where I think I can survive without you. Which I can. But not the same way. I won’t have anyone backing me 24/7. I won’t have anyone to wipe my tears when I fall and tell me it’s okay and to get back up when I’m ready.
You’re so patient with me. More patient than I think anyone could be. You never get annoyed, but just laugh and say “It’s okay Cutie.” Even with my biggest tantrums. Which you’re normally the cause of. I know all you want to do is help and console me. Even when I punch you in the face. You’re never mad at me longer than ten minutes. Even when I’m stubborn and don’t say sorry.
You have so much love for me. And I see it in your eyes. It’s so touching and terrifying that I’m the reason for the shine in your eyes. I still get confused when you look at me with those softened, glistening eyes. The eyes that one can fall into. The color of the calm sea in the morning after a storm. I still wonder why you look at me with those eyes. What I did that was so special to you. When I ask what you’re looking at, you just tell me that I’m beautiful.
And you make me believe it.

I know our relationship didn’t grow organically, like it should’ve. But it seems that my life isn’t about growing organically. It’s about sudden spurts where it changes by outside forces. The changes could be good or bad. And for us, I think it’ll grow like the way I have. With its rough patches, but eventually mellowing out.
I know it must be tough sometimes to have such an aggressive girlfriend. Or a dominant one. But you do the right things that make you the dominant one. And do the right things to calm me down. You’re my perfect yin to my yang, as cliché as that may sound.

I wonder if you notice me look at you once in a while and think how perfect you are. You’re my perfect partner. You’re always there to push me when I don’t believe in myself. And always tugging at me to continue. I listen because I want nothing to do but to get you to stop annoying me, but also to make you proud.
I know I’m a hassle and that this relationship is all about me. But I do things so I can make you proud. Because I love that smile on your face when I do something good. How you’re always excited for me, even if I think it’s not a big deal. And it makes me feel good that you have genuine happiness for me.

I know I bitch a lot about you. Like….A LOT. But I just keep forgetting how perfect you are for me. But when I talk about you professionally, that you don’t go to school or your job is pretty dead-end, and I talk about what I do in school and stuff. I can tell they think you’re dead weight. Which a lot of the time, I will admit. But then I say that I believe in you and I know you’ll make something happen one day. But I just don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to push you.
I don’t want them to think you’re dead weight or that you’re using me. Because I know you’re not. And I know you have the potential to be successful. But I don’t think you believe in yourself. Not the way you believe in me. I believe in you. Even when I’m a bitch about the whole situation. I do believe you can do something worthwhile. And put an end to people’s talking.

I love you, K. More than the stars and the moon. To Andromeda and back. I’ll love you until the ends of the earth and more.
You are my everything and more. And I can’t be more thankful to have such a wonderful person in my life.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m making a mistake not going the Zoology route. And it makes me wonder...

Wed, 08 May 2013 11:37:11 -0400

Sometimes I wonder if I’m making a mistake not going the Zoology route.
And it makes me wonder if I love traveling or if I love animals more..

Transition

Wed, 01 May 2013 15:53:51 -0400

I think I’m at the point in my life where I need to learn how to start transitioning in adulthood. With adult responsibilities and stuff.
Like, I thought I’ve been taking care of myself for the past ten years, but really, I had no idea. But these are also things that I don’t think my mom would know either.

Now that I’m committed to Tampa, I have to think about well, everything. How am I going to pay for school? Where am I going to live? Where am I going to work? How do you make friends? And literally everything in between.

I decided I’m going to buy a condo or a townhome when I move. It’ll just make things easier. I can rent out the other bedroom, which will cover my mortgage and stuff. But then I have to think about loans. I also have to think about my student loans. How am I going to get approved for a student loan? How necessary is it for my aunt and uncle to cosign on it? Do they also need to cosign for my mortgage?

Then, school. Am I going to work as much as I do now? Or am I going to focus on school and work a little bit. Just enough for food. Maybe it’d be easier to rent so I don’t have to work.
Do I still want to major in international business and management? I think I want to go into marketing again. Do I just decide when I’m actually taking classes?

How do you sign up for utilities? What costs do I have to think about when I buy a property? What are taxes? What kind of taxes does Florida have? How much are taxes? How do you pay utilities? Can I sign up for auto-pay?

How do I choose a doctor? How many doctors do I need to see? My insurance card still says my pediatrician, can I still go to her? How do you choose an OBGYN? What does that even stand for? Do I need to get that dry spot on my leg checked out? Is that a lump? IS THAT CANCER?

What if I don’t like my roommate? Is location really everything? How do you grow a back-bone and say ‘no’?

Who is going to help me with all these questions? My aunt and uncle can’t do everything for me. And it’s extremely unfair to ask them. But I’m scared if I do it on my own, I’m going to end up making a mistake that will cost me more than my money. Maybe it’ll cost me a career?

Why isn’t there a book how to be an adult? And when I figure all this out, fuck yeah, I’m going to write one. Because I know a lot of people are far worse off than I am right now.

Why are young adults forced to learn all these things on their own now? Especially for children on immigrant parents who don’t know the system? I have no one guiding me as I enter this new chapter of my life. And I’m scared it’s going to be a quick happy one or if it’ll be long and miserable. Kind of like Lord of the Flies.
Shit. Maybe I’ll kill a fat kid. (Reference to the novel, don’t take me seriously.)

What if, at the end of the day, I made a huge mistake…
What if I should have never decided to go to Florida and I spend the rest of my years in debt.

Why do we need to think of these questions. I’m only 19. I don’t know what’s ahead of me.
And that’s extremely frightening.

Acceptance

Wed, 24 Apr 2013 21:37:45 -0400

So I’ve been accepted to University of Tampa. But I’m really hoping I get accepted to USF. And honestly, I don’t think I want to even try going to UT if I don’t get into USF.
But I’m looking for apartments around USF, and now I’m stressed financially. Is it even worth it to go out of state? I’ll be taking out about 21-25 grand a year. And I know that’s how much some people take out for four years. It’s just a little frustrating. Especially since my aunt and uncle agreed to co-sign my loan, I don’t know if I’m okay putting that debt on them. Of course I plan on paying it. But I don’t know if its fair to them. Especially since they’ve been in and out of the hospital lately.

Also, I don’t know if I can take care of myself like that. Food, laundry, furniture. Adult things. How the hell do you do adult things? Is there a class for that?
I’m scared of doing adult things for myself.
But for some reason, that might be the least of my problems.

Why can’t I just be a Bull already?

Sun, 07 Apr 2013 12:08:28 -0400

Why can’t I just be a Bull already?

HA! Guess I spoke too soon.

Thu, 28 Mar 2013 11:31:25 -0400

Fuck the world.
Just fuck it all.

Suicide

Tue, 26 Mar 2013 22:03:49 -0400

I just watched a music video that dealt with teenage suicides. And I couldn’t help but remember when I had that feeling. When I felt that I couldn’t control anything. And even the things I thought I could control, I still couldn’t.
And I dealt with it for about 6 years. Actually, longer. Maybe about 8 years. From about 8 to 15/16. I always forget that I was depressed even before my dad died.

I don’t understand how I got past it. Why I don’t feel that way anymore. Maybe once in a blue moon because of my incredible self hatred. But, not for the reasons that I had before. I don’t understand how I got over it, but people still continue to feel that way. And I’m such a wimp that I don’t acknowledge it.
I don’t get it. And it’s frustrating.

I remember in middle school, I would try not to eat a lot. Try to force myself into an eating disorder. And a few times I’m high school. Or when I was in elementary, I was going to slit my wrists. But I couldn’t do it. None of it. I was too scared. I didn’t have the control to not eat. But shit, I was hungry. But I guess that’s why I’m fat, right? Haha.

But I’m still dealing with those same issues that I grew up with. Self-image, paranoia, depression, etc.. But why don’t I feel those suicidal tendencies as before. I find it annoying. I kind of miss my heart hurting. It seems to be the only time I felt I was alive. I don’t feel anything anymore. I mean I’m happy. But I don’t feel my heart beating. I just want to feel my heart. Shit. Even those nervous breakdowns are welcome. I’m not saying I want it everyday like before.
But it was a feeling I was so used to, it seems foreign not to have it. I’ve had those feelings every day for eight years. Even during holidays and birthdays. Which are when you’re supposed to feel happy, right? Apparently not.

I think it’s because I came to terms with my issues. And I know I can fix them. But sometimes I don’t know how. I don’t have the motivation or drive to do it. To change.
Ah well, I guess.

University of Tampa & USF

Wed, 20 Mar 2013 20:36:00 -0400

Went to see University of Tampa yesterday.
What can I say about the school? Well, lets go through the pro-con list.
Pros: gorgeous campus, in the middle of the city, financial aid, academics
Cons: in the middle of the city, so safety is a concern, German is not available as a minor, the gym was small, but workable, no real athletics.
It has about 7,000 students, which I think is a great size. My issue is if there’s enough clubs and stuff for me to become social. And another issue is that a lot of the girls looked the same. Size 0s with a dark tan. And with girls like that, it takes a toll on your self esteem.
But regardless, I think the school has a lot of resources for me to succeed. As well as the class sizes.
It is definitely my second choice though.

I also walked around USF a bit. Talked to people about it. They love it. Which makes me happy. Wasn’t as congested as it was when I first went, which was nice.
Still making it my number one choice.
Aaaand bought my first college wear from USF. Go Bulls!

Stetson University

Mon, 18 Mar 2013 21:45:00 -0400

So I’m back in florida. So happy.
Went to see Stetson University today. It’s in Deland. Which is great because its about an hour away from home. 30 minutes from the beach. But still literally in the middle of no where.
Tour guide was great. Very charismatic.
Pros: class size, student-faculty ratio, friendly atmosphere, financial aid, study abroad, very nice and clean campus, and my favorite, PET-FRIENDLY!! Therefore, I can bring Lilypants with me, no worry.
Cons: 2500 students, location, cafeteria, gym, student activities, lack of football, not a smoke-free campus, and tuition

I really liked the place. It’s just, I don’t think that the school offers what I want socially. Especially for the tuition cost. But they give a lot of aid, so it might even out with what the other schools offer.
But I could always go to a gym elsewhere. It’s a number 3 school in the south. So it’s still highly ranked.
I would obviously need to do a lot of research on the school. Get opinions of people on tumblr.

I think the cons are small. My biggest worry is the social aspect, but I can become closer knit with my peers. But I also hate seeing the same faces over and over. I dunno.
I have to see what happens.

Going to see University of Tampa and USF again tomorrow. Then probably spending most of the day in Tampa.
Excited!!

Who I Am Hates Who I Am

Thu, 07 Mar 2013 11:19:59 -0500

It is so hard being happy everyday. It is so hard putting on smile.
I feel so angry and frustrated inside. Which is sad because I feel I’m less angry than I was in high school.
Given its just one of those days where I want to give up. I want to give up so mad. I just want to lay in bed all day and cry.
Just cry and cry.
It just seems that no matter how much I try, I don’t get anywhere. And if I can’t make myself better, how do I make the things I can control better.

I feel so alone lately. Well, always. But lonelier.
I try to have this big personality that would attract friends. Peacocking with my personality.
But truth is that I’m dull and boring. I’m not funny, witty, charismatic, charming, nothing.
Maybe that’s why I don’t have friends. Maybe they can see past my disguise.
Maybe I should just go back to my introvert personality. Just block everyone out.
Things seemed easier then.

I just want to change. I just want the motivation to change who I am.
But I can’t. My self-esteem is too low to think I can change anything about myself.
Because whenever I start moving, I fail.

"Thinking of you, one thinks of what you could have become. You were, and you will remain, made up of..."

Wed, 06 Mar 2013 18:38:07 -0500

“Thinking of you, one thinks of what you could have become. You were, and you will remain, made up of possibilities.”

- Edouard Levé, Suicide, trans. Jan Steyn (via proustitute)

Normalcy

Wed, 27 Feb 2013 16:23:00 -0500

I’ve realized something since I’ve been in college. I’m a lot more normal than I thought I was.
I see the anime type of cliques. And we’ll, they just don’t give a shit, it seems. At least when they’re together. When they’re together, they don’t care who is looking or saying what. And it’s kinda comforting knowing they found solace in a scary place with each other. And by scary, I mean college. And I think that’s what I like about community college. There are all types of people who go here.
And me? I’m still trying to find my niche.
In high school, I didn’t find it. I had a few that helped me find out what I liked and what I didn’t in people. From the skaters. Potheads. Preps. Emo. Etc.. Not as though those labels actually exist, but to clarify the different groups of people I hung out with.
There were a few who I found comfort with. But well, in comparison, I guess I’m pretty boring. And I didn’t realize how boring I am until recently. Though I know others will argue. But I do find that I am pretty boring. I don’t have anything particularly interesting about me. And though I plan on changing that in the future, I’m just kind of stuck going in circles right now. So if someone tries to invite me to something, I will do my best to go. Like tonight! A coworker asked me to go to sushi with her. I’ve never had sushi. And to be frank, I don’t like the idea of eating raw fish. But I’m going, and I’ll figure it out. Even though money is still tight.
Regardless. I find myself trying to figure out if I’m “normal” or not. And not as if its a big deal either way. But it seems if I’m less normal that most people here, I get alienated for a comment on something they may not know about. Or if I hang with less normal people, and I’m the more normal one, well, I’ll be alienated because I won’t understand what they are talking about.

Not as though anyone is normal. Everyone is weird behind closed doors. Because once the doors close and no one is looking, you do whatever you want without the fear of being judged.

I just wish I had the confidence on both sides. Though my confidence is better than before, I still feel 150%. And I know how to fix it.
It’s just too hard to wake up so early.
…..exercise. I was talking about going to the gym early in the morning.

Race

Fri, 08 Feb 2013 14:20:20 -0500

So, now that I’ve basically decided I’m an IB major, I find myself thinking more about how my American biases may affect my future.
And I become angrier at the way I view people of not my culture or race. That’s not to say I’m racist. Of course not. But everyone has prejudices and biases.
I think it’s just the stereotypes that I hate. That I will assume most people will have characteristics of their cultural stereotype. And I am sooo annoyed by this. I am so annoyed by my ignorance.
That will be another goal of mine this year. Stop thinking about stereotypes, and start looking at the person. This holds true for all races and stereotypes.

This week, I found myself screaming over “Asian” drivers. Being pissed off by two in one night. But there is nothing about being Asian that makes someone a bad driver. There are all types of bad drivers. And I needed to force myself into remembering it has nothing to do with them being Asian. They’re just really fucking bad drivers.

I’m asking more about people’s cultures. About what it’s like for certain holidays or other celebrations.
I’m going to stop calling people by colors or races. But maybe my humor might be too dark to not laugh at racist jokes. But really, I’m trying to avoid them.

The only thing that bothers me is my lack of friends. I’m not if its me. If I’m too...

Wed, 06 Feb 2013 16:58:50 -0500

The only thing that bothers me is my lack of friends.
I’m not if its me. If I’m too picky. If I’m looking for a person that doesn’t exist.
Or if I’m too aggressive. Or too loud. Or too annoying. Or too happy.
Or if I just missed the boat entirely?

I’ve come to realize I missed the boat on a lot of things in a young girl’s life. Nothing really important. But the “label”. The certain fashions. The make-up experiment phase. Just stupid little phases.
But maybe those are the things that brought girls together to make friends with one another.

Will I ever find another girl like me? I just want another well-rounded personality. Into fitness. Or at least keeping me motivated. Who wants to go to a club once in a while. Or getting down and dirty.
Idk. She doesn’t need to be perfect. I just want someone outgoing. Who doesn’t mind trying new things.

I feel as if I have a bigger issue with finding female friends over finding a boyfriend.

I’m feeling pretty happy. Regardless of my seemingly dying relationship. I think he’s...

Wed, 06 Feb 2013 11:52:20 -0500

I’m feeling pretty happy. Regardless of my seemingly dying relationship. I think he’s coming to terms these could be our last few months together. But we’re feeling pretty happy together right now. And he’s supporting me in wanting to do international business. And my professor said I should do that as my major too. So that’s really encouraging. Did I mention I want to learn German?

I’m just feeling pretty great. And since that one tug of war post, I’m feeling happier about myself. I indulge in both of my feminine and masculine characteristics. And even though “rock and roll” isn’t actually masculine, but it gets that reaction. But I’m listening to my classic rock more often again.

Even though I haven’t been to the gym since Friday, and its catching up with me. I still feel okay. K has requested off for spring break so we can go to florida. Maybe see U. South Carolina on our way back up. Hopefully.
And maybe I can get to a size 8 before we leave. Which is about 5 pounds smaller.

Regardless.
I feel good.

I'm leaning towards USF now.... Hmm

Mon, 04 Feb 2013 12:07:13 -0500

Sometimes I think about my relationship with my mom. And I think about how much I miss my dad. And I...

Sun, 03 Feb 2013 14:43:12 -0500

Sometimes I think about my relationship with my mom. And I think about how much I miss my dad. And I don’t understand how I got to where I am now.

I honestly believe my dad wanted me more than anything. And he did all he can for me. Even though we fought all the time. But we have the same personality. We both want to be right. But that didn’t stop us from loving eachother. And I realize that now. Not knowing that when he was alive. He just didn’t want me to end up like him.
But my mom. I don’t know. I thought I used to. But the past few years made me think differently, and I think I’ve figured it out.

I don’t believe she was ready to be a mother. She was 23 when she had me. Has been living in this country for a couple years only. My dad was 32. He was ready to have a child. And when they got pregnant with me, I think my mom ended up being trapt. Not like she was being held hostage, but by love. My mom is one of those people who falls in love with anyone who gives her the time of day. So she stayed. She had to. Especially with me.
So, she did what she could for the next ten years. She was my best friend. And I always loved her more than my dad. But that’s because I didn’t understand.
After he died though, I was abandoned. She wasn’t ready for a life of the single parent. And yes, I was pretty independent at the time, it doesn’t excuse her for leaving. Not physically. She left emotionally. She didn’t step up to the plate like she should’ve.
I guess I’m being a little unfair. But she wasn’t the parent I needed her to be. Yes, I let her slide. I told her I could handle myself. She took it as, “okay. I don’t need to try anymore.”
So she did the bare minimum she could’ve to keep us afloat. Let me live the life I was expecting. She should’ve explained to me that she couldn’t do it anymore. But no. She said no to the other things that mattered to me. Like joining clubs to make friends. Or trying to build my self-esteem. I came home crying every single day. And went to bed crying. How do you not step up as a parent? And sending them to a shrink is not the solution. Even then. The shrinks blamed me for being upset with her. Not her actions and decisions. Not her decisions that affected me. I was supposed to accept that she ripped me away from my friends? From the place I grew up? From the house that my dad made a home? And accept that she moved on three months later after my dad died?
No. But I did. And I regret it.

Honestly, I don’t think she loved me as much as she could. I think she loved me as much as she can. As much as she can without hurting herself.
And now that I’m older, I’m realizing this. And it makes me resent her more and more.
The worst part? Now that I’m gone, she’s even more miserable than before. And I feel bad for leaving her. But she’s so codependent, I can’t handle it anymore. And I can’t wait to really be on my own, without her in my life.

She made her bed, now she must lay in it. And in the process, she lost the only thing that could’ve helped her.